Saturday 10 October is World Mental Health Awareness Day and with the unique situation currently, there may be some of us struggling with our wellbeing as we experience changes to our lives.
England Women’s World Cup bronze medal winner, Torz Anderson has decided to write about her own mental health story, sharing her personal experiences and hoping to help others who may be in a similar position. This is Torz’s story:
I wanted to share with you my Mental Health story. I want to open-up about the challenges I continue to struggle with. I want to play my part in normalising the debilitating illnesses of our minds, starting conversations, help end the stigma associated with mental health.
I was extremely fortunate growing up that I was able to go through life without many mental health challenges. I was a happy, bubbly, outgoing girl, who just wanted to spend time with her mates, play sport and have a laugh.
In 2013, aged 19, this changed overnight. My Dad passed away suddenly, from a rare heart defect, just five days before Christmas.
The happy, bubbly and fun-loving teenager was nowhere to be seen, and every day, month and year since then, has been spent trying to learn to adapt, cope and grow in the new life I found myself in.
In the months after my Dad’s death, it was apparent my mental health had taken a turn. I was clinically diagnosed with depression and two anxiety disorders by doctors. I couldn’t stop crying, I felt angry all the time and became a lot more introverted (which, for anyone who knows me was probably the biggest warning sign of all!)
I began to hate myself for what had happened, blaming it on myself for somehow not knowing it was going to happen, or doing anything about it. I couldn’t understand why I was still here, yet my wonderful Dad wasn’t.
The hatred then spilled over into physical forms, instead of just mental. Self-harm became a frequent occurrence and eating disorders crept into my life too. I kept longing for the happy girl I was before to return, and for my life to be ‘normal’ again, but she never came back.
Up to this point I was completely embarrassed and ashamed to know I was clinically ‘ill’ with mental health issues. I didn’t tell my family; I wouldn’t talk about it with my friends or teammates, I hid my prescriptions for anti-depressants and lied about where I was going every time I went for a counselling appointment.
It is only now I realise that by doing all these things, I was making things worse for myself and I needed to bite the bullet and open up about the struggles I was experiencing where no one else could see them, in my head.
Although this was hard, it was the best thing I ever did! For the first time, I had truly honest and vulnerable conversations with my family and friends. I shared everything that I had been hiding in my head for the past three years and let them into my world for the first time.
Don’t get me wrong, this was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but looking back now, I can safely say it was the best. Of course, they were extremely worried, shocked and upset, but they were just so grateful and relieved I had shared this with them. In that single moment I went from feeling helplessly alone to feeling overwhelming love, support and comfort.
Together, we took action and within a few weeks, I was able to attend CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) sessions with a therapist for the first time. I would highly recommend this therapy as it taught me to rationalise intrusive, negative thoughts, and taught me to think about how my thoughts connected to my emotions and ultimately how the negativities in my head translated into my physical life day to day.
It made such a difference to know there was a way out and that I was not ‘broken’… it completely changed my mentality and gave me a new found strength and positive outlook on life, despite the heartbreak I had experienced.
Although this was a huge turning point in my mental health journey, and massively helped, I still have challenges with my mental health, even now, nearly seven years after my Dad’s death.
I am still taking anti-depressants, still get anxiety, still have changes in my appetite, mood, sleep, motivation and emotions… BUT I am far better equipped now, simply by being open about my struggles with those around me.
Therapy helped, but the biggest and longest lasting change has come through being honest and vulnerable with those around me. My friends, family and teammates have been my absolute rocks, but so have my colleagues, coaches and even strangers.
If people know you are struggling, they will support you, regardless of how ‘close’ you are with them, and this is one of my biggest learnings. I just wish I had reached out far sooner.
No one’s mental health is more or less important than others and it is important to remember we all have mental health, just like physical health. For the most part, your mental health might be great - but it can also fluctuate and on some days your mind might feel a little heavier than others… and that is okay!
Even if you have never been affected by mental health challenges, just keep checking in on yourself, in case your mind is feeling a little heavier than usual from time to time. And if it is, then that is completely okay! Your feelings are valid and you should feel comfortable reaching out and talking about how you feel to those around you.
So, this is my plea to you, on World Mental Health Awareness Day – Please remember that; Asking for help is not weak. Talking about your mental health is not weak. Having sad days or not getting out of bed is not weak. Cancelling plans because you don’t feel up to it is not weak. Crying is not weak. Doing all of these things mean you are strong – these things allow you to fully acknowledge what you are feeling inside and be aware of them so you can try and take action.
Remember, to check in on those around you - your happy friends, your sociable friends and your strong friends, as well as everyone else. it really is true that people can be fighting a battle no one else knows anything about and you reaching out could help them more than you ever know.
Please remember that we really are all in this together, and now more than ever, it is okay not to be okay.
Mental Health services: